Hello World 💚
I’m going to be honest, this is a rant, I have a lot of anger at the moment and this is my safe space to get the anger out of my system.
Let’s start with a re-cap.
February: Mental Breakdown
March: Suicide Attempt
April: I ‘officially’ leave work.
June: Car Crash
July: Settlement pay out from previous school for discrimination.
August: Heartbreak AND suicide attempt
September New job started.
Well, that’s a lot!
There has been a few other things as well which this blog is going to be about.
Before my suicide attempt in August, I was genuinely happy. I had people in my life I loved and I truly believed they loved me back, I was on medication and I had started a group therapy CBT course.
And shit happens.
Another rejection. Sigh.
And I lose all control of my emotions and I’m triggered into self harm and suicide.
After that attempt, I was discharged from the course because I decided to not listen to their advice etc. by deciding to kill myself.
Instead my GP changed my medication from citalopram to sertraline and I was told to meet with a ‘gateway worker’ for an assessment for psychiatric help who later diagnosed me with BPD [borderline personality disorder].
This was all a week before I was due to start working again (I had no choice but to go back to work, I have to pay my rent and my bills in some way).
I was refused all help from the NHS because I work, I wasn’t allowed to meet with any psychiatists because they refused to be flexible to my schedule. If I was to meet with the psychiatrist at their times I would lose out on pay because I would have to take the whole day off work (I’m a teacher for goodness sake, I can’t just miss an entire teaching day).
I had made arrangements with my employer to leave earlier on two occasions, when the school day ended but we as staff had to stay on the premises, for my physiotherapy from the car accident in June. I explained to the psychiatrists that I could do the same thing with them but they said no.
Instead I was told by them and by my GP to get help privately.
I’m sorry? What?
I’m living on a teacher’s salary!!!!!! You do not work as a teacher for the money, instead of the NHS supporting someone who has always paid her taxes and has never once broken the law I now have to fork out and force myself into even more debt to get psychiatric support from a private psychiatrist. In my area, it costs £80 per hour.
So yeah I’m fuming.
All my doctor is doing now is doubling my medication and guilt tripping me into forking out money I don’t even have to get the so called help I need.
My opinions on therapy, medication, and the NHS are not the best right now.
Am I the only one this has happened to? Am I such a godawful person that I don’t deserve help?