2019| My Year in Review

Hello World πŸ’œ

It is the final day of 2019, the end of a very long and difficult decade for so many reasons – 10 years ago I was sixteen years, I was bullied and lived in fear of manipulation and abuse from my peers and I find myself 10 years later working in education but still dealing with physical and emotional abuse on a daily basis. Today’s blog is all about My Year in Review because lets face it, 2019 has been an absolute bitch and I very much look forward to hopefully a somewhat better year a head.

**** Trigger Warning ****

My review will be brutally honest and will include mentions towards self harm and suicide – please read at your discretion.

January

My memories of January are most definitely a blur, all I can remember is being verbally and physically assaulted by both students and my teaching peers at my job.

All I wanted to do? Drive my car into the central reservation of the M42.

February

Two words: Mental Breakdown.

March

Despite my breakdown in the previous month, my health was rapidly declining. I was self harming every day, I was becoming more of a recluse in each passing hour and I no longer gave a shit about how my actions were hurting those around me, all the criticism and arguments fed into my self hatred.

On the 19th I woke up and at 8am I hanged myself on the staircase.

I was tainted, disgusting and selfish – I could no longer cope with the abuse being hurled by my employer at the time who was forcing me out of work whilst on sick leave. I so needed an out and after an argument with my fiancΓ© at the time, the night before I made my decision – I was going to end it all.

April

I was released from psychiatric care after my failed suicide and spent the majority of April back in my hometown just numb and walking on egg shells around my family.

I felt like an invalid, like I had a disease and that my suicide sucked out the life and energy from my loved ones, relationships were crumbling, people who I respected spoke towards me in utter disgust with words that I was nothing more than an ‘obnoxious attention seeker.’

I tried to rebuild my character and sense of hope with the creation of my blog and Twitter and I’ll be honest, I live so much for both of these now – they are my safe haven during my darkest times.

I still struggled on a daily basis with my Mental Health, but I tried to live by putting on a front and trying to forget the pain and distrust my family had when I first saw them after my suicide.

May

I began to slowly return to work at a new environment part time – just two days a week – with the rest of my time taken up with blogging and my daily visits to the gym.

I love the gym, I love the feeling of going for a swim and attending aqua aerobics, the social side? Not so much, but it meant that I was interacting with more people where I lived in the Midlands instead of staying indoors like a reclusive hoarder who only opened the door for the Dominos delivery guy.

June

Car Crash – I’ve been left permanently damaged as a result, I can’t have my own biological children, despite it not being my fault I was never awarded any damages or compensation all because the other driver used my Mental Health against me.

July

This month was a blur, I had started to become happy again, I had made friends and formed new relationships and was socialising again.

I was happy.

August

I saw Ed Sheeran and Lewis Capaldi in Leeds – they were awesome!

My happiness didn’t last, friendships were ripped away. I just wanted to be loved and to feel loved.

They walked away.

I self harmed again when I was responsible for watching my young cousin.

I choked myself.

I wanted to die.

September

I had to follow through with the commitments I had made in May and had to return back to full-time work in education.

It was definitely strange going back full-time but I was desperate for the money, I had nothing left, no savings, no credit card. Nothing.

October

That first pay check was BEAUTIFUL but being out of work for so long, it meant that I didn’t see any of my pay because it had to be used to cover bills that I am still paying to this day, so having to beg on Twitter with the use of my Ko-fi account was downright embarrassing, I just had no choice. I wasn’t eating properly, the majority of the time I was eating one meal a day just because I couldn’t afford to buy additional food to have three meals a day.

November

My birthday.

Definitely didn’t think I’d reach 26, that’s for sure! But I did, so guess I should be thankful and celebrate the fact I am still alive.

Again money issues, I am the worst person when it comes to money and even just buying myself a new bag for my birthday made me feel so guilty because I had so money bills left unpaid.

A huge financial burden happened half way through this month: the clutch in my car. I had to fork out Β£400+ for my car, money I most certainly did not have and had to plead and beg from my family – something that pains me because I’ve caused so much hurt already this year, so yeah, I self harmed again because I couldn’t cope with the feelings of self hatred I had which was all down to being shit with money.

December

Holidays are coming.

I really wasn’t in a festive mood, it was easy to hide behind my Instagram with the photos of my Christmas jumpers and holiday cheer of the markets and by the jolliness of my #blogmas posts and so forth.

I honestly feel as if my actions of this year truly sucked out the life of my loved ones, I lived in constant fear of criticism – for buying presents when I have zero money – and for not wanting to leave the house. I always feel apprehensive being back in my home town out of fear of seeing people from school and so forth, I don’t want those type of people to witness how much of a mess I still am.

That was my 2019, I’m not a religious person but I am goddam desperate, I need a better 2020 because I honestly don’t think I can survive and a lotto win, definitely a lotto win as I am drowning in serious debt.

Until next time,

See you in the New Year x

7 comments

  1. I am praying that your 2020 is a very blessed year and better than you can even imagine! Happy New Year!

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  2. Wow oh wow. I am so truly sorry that you had such an awful year.
    I am sending you all my positive thoughts and hopes. 2020 will be the start of a wonderful new decade for you.
    You are so strong for sharing and for just experiencing life.

    2020 will be a better year!

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  3. I’m so sorry to hear about how rough this year has been for you. I pray that 2020 will be a year of great healing and that you’ll find a better support system as you recover.

    I’m so proud of you for continuing forward. You are stronger than you think. πŸ’œ And I’m proud of you for being vulnerable in sharing your story. We need more people sharing their stories so others know that they are not alone.

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  4. Praying 2020 is a better year for you. You are so courages to share your story. What you do makes a difference. Keep fighting the good fight and know that you are worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry 2019 has been a tough year for you Leo, I hope 2020 is kinder to you. If you need to talk or just vent, I’m only a message away πŸ’š

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