Hello World 💜
It is the final day of 2019, the end of a very long and difficult decade for so many reasons – 10 years ago I was sixteen years, I was bullied and lived in fear of manipulation and abuse from my peers and I find myself 10 years later working in education but still dealing with physical and emotional abuse on a daily basis. Today’s blog is all about My Year in Review because lets face it, 2019 has been an absolute bitch and I very much look forward to hopefully a somewhat better year a head.
**** Trigger Warning ****
My review will be brutally honest and will include mentions towards self harm and suicide – please read at your discretion.
My memories of January are most definitely a blur, all I can remember is being verbally and physically assaulted by both students and my teaching peers at my job.
All I wanted to do? Drive my car into the central reservation of the M42.
Two words: Mental Breakdown.
Despite my breakdown in the previous month, my health was rapidly declining. I was self harming every day, I was becoming more of a recluse in each passing hour and I no longer gave a shit about how my actions were hurting those around me, all the criticism and arguments fed into my self hatred.
On the 19th I woke up and at 8am I hanged myself on the staircase.
I was tainted, disgusting and selfish – I could no longer cope with the abuse being hurled by my employer at the time who was forcing me out of work whilst on sick leave. I so needed an out and after an argument with my fiancé at the time, the night before I made my decision – I was going to end it all.
I was released from psychiatric care after my failed suicide and spent the majority of April back in my hometown just numb and walking on egg shells around my family.
I felt like an invalid, like I had a disease and that my suicide sucked out the life and energy from my loved ones, relationships were crumbling, people who I respected spoke towards me in utter disgust with words that I was nothing more than an ‘obnoxious attention seeker.’
I tried to rebuild my character and sense of hope with the creation of my blog and Twitter and I’ll be honest, I live so much for both of these now – they are my safe haven during my darkest times.
I still struggled on a daily basis with my Mental Health, but I tried to live by putting on a front and trying to forget the pain and distrust my family had when I first saw them after my suicide.
I began to slowly return to work at a new environment part time – just two days a week – with the rest of my time taken up with blogging and my daily visits to the gym.
I love the gym, I love the feeling of going for a swim and attending aqua aerobics, the social side? Not so much, but it meant that I was interacting with more people where I lived in the Midlands instead of staying indoors like a reclusive hoarder who only opened the door for the Dominos delivery guy.
Car Crash – I’ve been left permanently damaged as a result, I can’t have my own biological children, despite it not being my fault I was never awarded any damages or compensation all because the other driver used my Mental Health against me.
This month was a blur, I had started to become happy again, I had made friends and formed new relationships and was socialising again.
I was happy.
I saw Ed Sheeran and Lewis Capaldi in Leeds – they were awesome!
My happiness didn’t last, friendships were ripped away. I just wanted to be loved and to feel loved.
They walked away.
I self harmed again when I was responsible for watching my young cousin.
I choked myself.
I wanted to die.
I had to follow through with the commitments I had made in May and had to return back to full-time work in education.
It was definitely strange going back full-time but I was desperate for the money, I had nothing left, no savings, no credit card. Nothing.
That first pay check was BEAUTIFUL but being out of work for so long, it meant that I didn’t see any of my pay because it had to be used to cover bills that I am still paying to this day, so having to beg on Twitter with the use of my Ko-fi account was downright embarrassing, I just had no choice. I wasn’t eating properly, the majority of the time I was eating one meal a day just because I couldn’t afford to buy additional food to have three meals a day.
Definitely didn’t think I’d reach 26, that’s for sure! But I did, so guess I should be thankful and celebrate the fact I am still alive.
Again money issues, I am the worst person when it comes to money and even just buying myself a new bag for my birthday made me feel so guilty because I had so money bills left unpaid.
A huge financial burden happened half way through this month: the clutch in my car. I had to fork out £400+ for my car, money I most certainly did not have and had to plead and beg from my family – something that pains me because I’ve caused so much hurt already this year, so yeah, I self harmed again because I couldn’t cope with the feelings of self hatred I had which was all down to being shit with money.
Holidays are coming.
I really wasn’t in a festive mood, it was easy to hide behind my Instagram with the photos of my Christmas jumpers and holiday cheer of the markets and by the jolliness of my #blogmas posts and so forth.
I honestly feel as if my actions of this year truly sucked out the life of my loved ones, I lived in constant fear of criticism – for buying presents when I have zero money – and for not wanting to leave the house. I always feel apprehensive being back in my home town out of fear of seeing people from school and so forth, I don’t want those type of people to witness how much of a mess I still am.
That was my 2019, I’m not a religious person but I am goddam desperate, I need a better 2020 because I honestly don’t think I can survive and a lotto win, definitely a lotto win as I am drowning in serious debt.
Until next time,
See you in the New Year x