I needed a break

Hello World ❤

It has definitely been a while since I’ve had the chance to take a sit down with my laptop with a draft page for my site. This may sound strange but honestly I really haven’t missed blogging whatsoever which made me realise that I desperately needed a break from all things BPD, advocacy, my life on a screen and also all interactions across social media.

For a long time I was genuinely lost. But I now feel like I’ve found myself again 🙂

So lets start from the beginning because a lot has happened since we’ve last gotten together.

1) I LEFT THE WEST MIDLANDS

Don’t get me wrong I like Birmingham its just so much pain and suffering that has happened in recent years just made me feel so alone and full on introverted. I’m so much more happier being away from a place where I just didn’t feel accepted or belonged in both my work life and also in my personal life. I felt like I was constantly stepping on egg shells and I felt as if I was slowly going back to that dark time of my life. Especially with the run up to my year ‘anniversary’ since I was hospitalised and was forced into psychiatric care due to my suicide attempt, I needed to get out. So the one good selfish thing I did was to leave and now I’m a twenty-six year old adult living at home – at least I don’t have to pay rent.

2) I STARTED A NEW JOB

I’ve spoken a lot on my blog and even on my Twitter about my role as a teacher, the ups and the major downs, mainly the downs! I’ve considered leaving education on several occasions but in all honesty I just can’t see myself doing anything else, even though I’m prematurely grey, even though many of the students are utter morons and probably wont last in the real world without getting a slap – they are still my morons, my students, the greatest source of entertainment and joy I could ever ask for. I’ve worked in some god awful schools, even my previous employer is currently being sued by myself for unpaid wages and they have also been reported to Ofsted for so many reasons that it is laughable how far they have jeopardised the future of those most vulnerable. Now? I work in a school where I feel happy, I walk in everyday with a smile on my face, I love the department and I love those that I teach and I hope I can stay at this institution for as long as possible.

3) MEETING NEW PEOPLE

Its safe to say the one word that I would use to describe myself would be: introvert. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert, I actually like my own company and I genuinely like spending time just by myself with a cheeky takeaway and a series to binge on Netflix. But since moving back home, I’ve decided to put myself back out into the world and to just meet new people. Within the last month, I’ve been out every weekend with people that have become so special and important to me. Sometimes just chilling and watching a movie, other times going on three hour walks, shopping, meals out and even heading to the pub. For someone who gets extreme anxiety around those who are drunk, I’m slowly seeing a change in my character and instead of shunning and shutting myself away, I’m starting to see the old me – the one who talked, the one who laughed, the one who bantered and messed around. A new me with a mixture of the old. I like this version of myself. I have one person to thank for this, they haven’t changed me, they haven’t judged me, they haven’t criticised me – they just like me for me.

4) I’M FOCUSING ON MY FUTURE

It’s been eleven months since I hanged myself, this time last year I didn’t see a future for myself. Now? I don’t want to die, not yet anyway, I want to live. It’s taken a heck of a lot for me to truly realise how much trauma I’ve gone through in my life, from abandonment, to abuse, bullying and sexual assault – its safe to say my brain is fucked up but I accept it. I’ve accepted the trauma in my life and instead of letting it control my present I now control it in my head, with a little box with one heavy ass lock on it – like Pandora’s box. There are so many more people in this world who have gone through so many worse things, so in a way I have been selfish and I have hurt people, I never should of tried to kill myself on the day my own grandmother buried her best friend who died from cancer. I have done horrible things but the only way to move forward is to accept what I have done, to be vocal to everything I have done, and to prove that I can and will become a better person. Now? I need to continue with my medication, to continue with therapy, to speak up if and when I am struggling and to lastly set myself manageable goals for the future – my future. A future in the long term where I have my own house and my own family, but for now I need to take baby steps, such as putting money away into savings and to do as much grafting as possible at work whilst taking time out for self care.

This is now a time for me, after doing #blogmas I came to a conclusion that the reason I was blogging was due to being alone, it was a cry for help and that the only thing I wanted was attention. Honestly? It wasn’t healthy, for me blogging should be about something that I love to do and not a cry for help. So instead of blogging everyday I may end up blogging once a week or twice a month, to touch base and to just show I’m still here, that I love my readers and to just build that love for blogging – I mean I created this as my therapy, something built out of negativity, now I want the premise to focus on the positive, to be kind and to love everyone.

On that note, I will speak again soon.

Love,

Leo x

9 comments

  1. I have really enjoyed your posts and glad to see you choosing how what and when you will post that brings you joy and adds to your life as well as ours!
    We’ve missed your posts recently – but so glad to see you settling into where you want to be!

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  2. I can do relate! I made the same realisation last year, but found it then almost gave up blogging altogether. It’s only this year that I’m getting back into it and posting once a week. I hope you find what works best for you, you’ve got to love blogging to do it 😊xx

    angelwingsandpetticoats.com

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  3. Yes, you do need to love blogging to do it. Blogging once a week is very doable. That’s what I do. Thanks for your post!

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  4. I recently went through something very similar. Sometimes you need to unplug a bit to bring you back to what you really love doing

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  5. This post made me so happy to read! I can tell from your writing you are in a much better place and it makes my heart happy! I prayed so much for you reading your blogmas posts and tweets. I am so glad you are getting back to yourself and finding happiness again!

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  6. Welcome back! It’s so wonderful to hear that you’re in a better place and things are going well for you 😊 keep us all posted and wishing you all the best!

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  7. I just started following your blog, and I’m enjoying it a lot…thank you for sharing your journey and best of luck!

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